Never has forgiveness been so complicated of an issue for me as it is in forgiving my dad...
It's not about IF I can forgive my dad.
I've never had a problem with forgiveness.. with anyone,
I've been a very forgiving person throughout my life.
I have a problem with the context surrounding forgiving my dad that keeps me from simply forgiving him and moving on.
A person could have done some very bad things in their life, but IF they understand what they did is wrong, are sorry for what they have done, and ask for my forgiveness, THEN I will forgive them, because that is how I was raised and it is the right thing to do...
My dad's situation does not work out this way..
-He doesn't understand or is in denial about what he has done wrong.
-He isn't sorry for what he has done wrong.
-He hasn't asked for my forgiveness(other than, through my twisting his arm in a letter, expressing he's had some regrets in his life that he wishes he could do over).
-All this despite my having explained through letters, in a respectful but straightforward manner, my grievances with him...
-He claims to be a Christian.
-Christianity stresses the important of repentance and forgiveness in the scriptures.
-He's had a great example of a forgiving Christian in his life for 19 years, my mom.
-The fact that my mom has forgiven him for things year after year & her belief in divorce as a sin, has kept her from divorcing him.
-I can't have a conversation with him to get all this on the table and to understand his side of things, because he has never been good at conversation and ends up getting angry and lecturing.
-Probably the biggest problem is that he is resigned to the situation staying the way it is and does not care. He has shown no interest in getting to know me better and no interest in sharing his past or giving me any information about his past marriages.
Concerning his reluctance in bringing up his past you may say, "Well, he might have had a really rough past and may have great discomfort in bringing it up."
To which I would reply:
1- I am a very easy person to talk to. I'm very understanding and accepting. It's not like I'm a disrespectful son who could care less about my dad being transparent with me and who will put down or mock what he shares with me.
2- I was raised to respect my parents and to value and want relationships.
3- My dad is a Christian and truth and transparency should be important parts of his Christianity.
4- I already know enough about the kind of life my dad lived to know there weren't any experiences anywhere near as traumatic as, for example, a solder's experiences on the battlefield, which may cause them great pain in sharing.
Concerning his lack of interest in getting to know me and my life better you may say, "You know, he may have learned this lack of engagement with you from his father's lack of engagement with him. It could just be learned behavior he hasn't unlearned."
To which I would respond:
You could be right about that, but does that mean he is unaware of this learned behavior and so can't do anything about it?
For all the church sermons he's heard,
for all the examples of a good Christian that my mom has shown,
for all the times he has come across scriptures, in his reading the bible, that have talked about knowing and bettering yourself, confessing your sins, reconciliation, etc.,
for all the years of listening to Dr James Dobson's Focus on the Family(Christian) radio show,
AND
for the two divorces that he has been through before meeting my mom(which alone, would have made me think deeply about my own behavior, had I gone through them)....
To have all this exposure to wisdom, knowledge, and experience and to still be ignorant of what is learned behavior, I find very unlikely!!
The better explanation is that he is aware of his behavior but he doesn't care to change this and get to know me better as his son..
So... a friend, with whom I shared my intention of sending my Dad a letter telling him exactly what I have thought of him and my grievances over the years, gave me this advice:
"Write a letter to your Dad and put exactly what you think of him and the situations in life where he caused you pain and distrust. Print the letter, but then don't send it...
After you've done that, write a second letter but this time write- that whatever has happened between the two of you, all this is forgiven by you, and regardless of whatever happens from here on out, you love him as your father very much. Print the letter and send it to him."
This friend said that if I send the first of the two letters I am going to regret the pain that will cause my Dad. And it's my friends strong opinion that it will make the relationship worse off. Aside from the fact that my Dad deserves the first letter, will the temporary satisfaction I get from sending it be worth it?
I don't know exactly what I think of this, but it just doesn't feel right to send the second letter and forgive, forget, and have a "relationship" with someone whose' hurt me but who isn't sorry and who won't communicate?
WHY? Because of who I have become and my standards of truth and justice and relationships...
To do this is to go against my nature and more specifically my consciousness....
