The biggest challenge in my post: Should I forgive, forget, and have a relationship with someone whose' hurt me but who isn't sorry and who won't communicate? was the following:
So... a friend, with whom I shared my intention of sending my Dad a letter telling him exactly what I have thought of him and my grievances over the years, gave me this advice:
"Write a letter to your Dad and put exactly what you think of him and the situations in life where he caused you pain and distrust. Print the letter, but then don't send it...
After you've done that, write a second letter but this time write- that whatever has happened between the two of you, all this is forgiven by you, and regardless of whatever happens from here on out, you love him as your father very much. Print the letter and send it to him."
This friend said that if I send the first of the two letters I am going to regret the pain that will cause my Dad. And it's my friends strong opinion that it will make the relationship worse off. Aside from the fact that my Dad deserves the first letter, will the temporary satisfaction I get from sending it be worth it?
So...
That was the challenge. And up till recently I struggled with how to answer this suggestion on how to deal with what my Dad has done: forgive him in the way suggested OR confront him...
Well, the answer's been right under my nose:
I already have this type of relationship with my mom. 90% or so of the time our conversation is on superficial, day to day topics and nothing really that deep AND I am, to a decent degree, satisfied with the relationship this way. I'm okay with that even though, for the last so many years, I have been reading up on deep subjects and have had conversations with those willing to discuss these serious issues, information which changed the course of my life. Even though this is my story, I rarely share these things with my mom, and I'm okay with that..
WHY?
Because there's a genuine concern for each other. Aside from superficial topics, I want to know that my mom's alright and safe, that she's happy, and that she can talk to me about anything. She should know I hurt when she hurts and that she has my forgiveness if she's sorry about something and needs to get it off her chest.
In the same way, I take satisfaction in knowing that it's important to my mom knowing that I'm alright, that I'm happy, that I can talk to her about anything, that she feels my pain, and will for forgive me if I need to confess something.
These are the basics of a healthy relationship and if those basics are there, even if in small degrees, it still will be enough for me to suppress my more serious issues side and have a superficial, day to day relationship with that person.
Now, there is a dilemma though... Even IF my Dad started showing a certain level of genuine concern in these areas his situation is different from my mom's in that there are numerous wrongs he has committed in my life, which he has not dealt with in asking for forgiveness. Nor am I certain he really understands these things he's done as wrong and feels remorse...
For as long as he shows no initiative in this area, any concern that he shows me will be bland and hollow and I won't be satisfied with that relationship.
So a true test of genuine concern for another person in a relationship IS the ability to do reconciliation: to make amends through confessing wrongs, being truly sorry about those wrongs, and seeking forgiveness for those wrongs. When a person does this they prove they really do value the well being of the person they have wronged...
That is my minimum standard for a personal relationship: the person shows they value my well being. Otherwise it's not a relationship. And if it's not a relationship in this basic sense, then I will not be satisfied with superficial conversations, because of who I am.
MY DAD DOES NOT FULFILL THIS CRITERIA OF BASIC RELATIONSHIP NEEDS AND MOST IMPORTANTLY HE DOESN'T PROVE HE VALUES MY WELL BEING BECAUSE HE DOESN'T INITIATE ANY KIND OF RECONCILIATION, EVEN THOUGH I HAVE MADE IT CLEAR IN A COUPLE OF LETTERS THIS IS SOMETHING I NEED IN OUR RELATIONSHIP...
THEREFORE I WILL NEVER BE SATISFIED WITH A SUPERFICIAL RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM BECAUSE OF THIS SITUATION, MY DISSATISFACTION BEING REINFORCED BY WHO I AM. SO THE ONLY SOLUTION TO THIS SITUATION IS--- NOT TO FORGIVE HIM IN THE WAY SUGGESTED BUT TO CONFRONT HIM WITH A LETTER THAT TELLS HIM EXACTLY HOW I HAVE THOUGHT OF HIM AND MY GRIEVANCES OVER THE YEARS....
I will provide in my Dad's letter a summarized paragraph of what I have concluded here, the basic fundamentals of a relationship and who I have become, that I deeply value those fundamentals, so he understands the reason for such a letter.
In any case, he's not going to enjoy the letter, but my sense of justice requires me to hold him accountable to what no one has held him accountable: his words, actions, and in actions.
Someone could ask, "Won't this just make the relationship worse, don't you want to make it better?" I'll answer, you can't make a relationship better if the premise on which it is founded is bad. And that premise is: my dad has done many wrongs over the years and has chosen to not seek reconciliation, even though he's had many chances and the family conditions for such reconciliation have been really good for many years. I can't make him sorry, but he needs to be sorry, because that shows genuine concern, and if there's genuine concern, then there's the possibility of trust. I won't have a superficial relationship any other way with someone in my family. The "relationship" we've been having will continue to splinter our family and this is the only way I see to stop that train of negativity.
And it will be my Dad's decision to take my letter seriously and rethink what he wants out of our "relationship" for his final 30 or so years of life OR TO NOT rethink the person I have shown him in the mirror to be; who my father is in my eyes. And that will now be his decision. Either way, I can let go, because the ball is now in his court. I can let go of wishing that the relationship were a certain way. So much energy has been consumed over this. Indeed this will be a better way for me and my family than mere forgiveness.....
